Ready for the special room

I have persuaded my partner to return to the Confessional with the promise of an ice cream (if it hasn’t all melted yet)

As my ice-cream smitten partner licks and slurps on an ice cream cone with disgusting bits all over it , I try to process all the extraordinary events and sights that we have just seen.

There is something here that is just more than “afoot”. There is mega-evil of a kind I have not seen in a long time and certainly not in our wonderful home. even

There is even a special word for it: TECHNOLOGY!

Snow globes are one thing – they are fantastical and contemporary

Picture screens showing various bits of the Castle with hieroglyphics under them are entirely from another dimension.

I tried to read what the screens said but all I could make out was “000001010111000”

What kind of communication is that?

As I work through these facts in my mind, my partner has finished gobbling down her third ice cream and is now demanding action.

“What action?” I ask her.

Licking her lips, she waves in the general direction of a blank wall

“Where is the action?”

She smiles and I know what my next question will be:

“And are you to be in front or behind me when we meet this action?”

She tuts at my all too relevant caution

“Here you are, defend yourself with this” and she gives me a new pristine broom with extra-long bristles.

With a toss of her ponytail specially tied back for the occasion, she strides back down the tunnel>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It’s audio only again for now. I hear them arrive back in the confessional. "Hey, ice cream. With sprinkles!" Jenifer says. I give Cash a look. PTG adds "Rocky Road, my favorite."

Wait, wait! But we had pistachio, not Rocky Road! I grab a different laptop, scrambling to find the right settings for the right room in the right time line. I manage to establish a two-way audio with the Chapel, but by this time Jenifer is on her third, or maybe fourth, helping.

I yell over the makeshift connection, "Don't eat that ice cream!"

I am definitely too late. I hear Jenifer once again progressing down the tunnel, which no longer leads where it is supposed to lead. If only I had time to set up my full range of equipment! And where did the mysterious Rocky Road ice cream come from? Not from my private supply, I know that much.

I tell the ferrets to set up as much equipment as possible in the Winter Garden, and I'll be back before dinner.

I hop down from the Stone Gargoyle, pause to fill up the Wheel of Fortune in advance of GMT midnight, and open the maintenance hatch in the base of the Fire Fountain. This is the second quickest alternate route to Cloud City from here. With luck -- that is, if I don't get held up in Cloud City customs --I might be able to take the tunnel in reverse and find that evil lair from the rear. Jenifer will get there first. I can only hope I'm still in time to help.

With eyeball glued to dis tiny oppie glasses and screaming till the air turns blue , how in H*** does dat idjit except me to see a thing wiff these OH wait hang on as a blur comes clearer, aha der ya are you loonie tune Jenifer and of course eating ice cream wiff out me good one , oh and of course PTG right beside ya , yep good one you two leave me alone and wait where did ya go as I try to scan and follow Jenifer who is moving like her footies are on fire,, Confessional, down a tunnel to Fire Pit, up to The Winter Garden, daumnnnnnnnnn over to cloud City , wait that not be Jenifer nor PTG, a a long black robe?? covered head ??? OMG NO can not be The Angel Of Death?? or The Black cloated Figure back?? I am so busy head moving like a Bobbit in Salty's Tavern I do not hear nor see a HUGE pot flying right at me,,, I see da Calerrong thingie to late WHOOOOOOOOMP right on me knoggin and head over footies I go,, oh purtty
I reach fer me poor knoggin and feel da welt pulsing BOOM BOOM now dat going be owwie big time,,, all of a sudden my eyes cross and I hear a very loud pop in me head rot rouh now I did done gone and did it,,, I broke me head ,,, but no to my surprize my vision becomes crystal clear, and memories flood back like a water fall,
I lay on the floor looking at the ceiling as images flash by then slow down as if I am watching a movie,,,
**********continued***************

I see a joung officer standing in front of an older officer standing at a very ridgit attention,,
I know him and memory flicks that is my Commanding Officer and that is me?
Thoughts getting clear now as I remember standing in that office getting marching orders to load up and head out to Transiavania to a village that is in the hold of Evil and war is about to break out, I am to report with my troops to a Major Jennings who will take us to the Castel , a Castel sir? yes Captain a place called Midnight Castel to be exact and the Major will introduce you to the regining King and his Daughter Anabel pretty littel thing I have been told.
The other units have been given there orders and will be going with you along with a battalion of Major Tank and the Motor Unit, also Major Mutton with The Cannine units you will of course be in command of the M.A.S.H. unit he sighs I am afraid you all will be needed if the reports coming in are true.
Sir may I ask exactly what are my orders seeing we as Canadians are Peace Keepers and you are making this sound like we are heading for war.
It will not only be you son but you will be joined by others forces from around the world
and you will be my eyes and ears over there and Captain listen to me carefully use what ever force that is called for understood?
I snap to attention salute and take my leave with a million questions runing through my head/
War , Midnight Castel, Transiavania?? as visions of Bats, Wolfs, Werewolves Vampires run through my head ,,I shake my head no way that is only in movies ,, or is it??
************ Continued***********

"Wait". I stop PTG in the tunnel. "I sense a disturbance in the force."

"A what?"

"Captain PogoRandy!" My hands go to my head. "He's become... LUCID!"

"Surely you can't be serious!"

"Don't call me Shirley"

"Careful with that joke, it's an antique."

"As much as I'm enjoying the banter, we have a choice to make. We have no idea how long PogoRandy's clear head will last. This could be our only chance to get answers, Or we press on into the unknown..." I look to the left. "Or we sit and watch the dancing Hippo performance."

"What dancing Hippo-"

"AAHH! THE LOBSTERS ARE ATTACKING! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!"

PTG watches me run screaming into the tunnels. He steps forward to give chase and there is a crunch underfoot. He picks up the tip of the ice cream cone and smells it suspiciously.

"That's not Rocky Road!"

But I am gone. The screaming continues, but echoes within the labyrinth from every direction.

"JENNY WREN!"

PTG eats a few bristles in panic, then heads back to Captain PogoRandy. If he truly is lucid he may be our only hope.

As PTG runs back to the Ancient Park he passes George Lucas muttering about a lawsuit.

"Name?"

"Grimwald."

"Occupation?"

"Reality manipu… er, I mean Castle inmate."

The gnome squints at me.

"Point of entry?"

My cell phone buzzes, distracting me so that I answer "Griffin Stall." It's the ferrets calling, but I can't tell if they have an actual problem, or if they're just too excited playing double solitaire again.

The gnome gives me another hard stare. "The Griffin Stall is not a recognized point of entry to Cloud City."

"I'm sorry, I really have to take this call." I twist away, trying to hide the phone. On the other end, Wickerbat tells me that the gremlins have dismantled and relocated the equalizer, but now some parts are missing, and do I know where the extra banana peels are?

"Ma'am, what is that device? You cannot bring foreign objects inside Cloud City limits."

"Foreign objects," I groan, handing over the phone, "you make it sound like I've eaten something unfortunate." Which may be exactly the case with PTG and Jenny. Even though I've never met them face to face, I've been following their antics for a while, and I definitely feel responsible for the ice cream incident.

The gnome studies the phone to no avail. "It's a brick," I tell him helpfully. "I talk to it, it talks back." He glares up at me, certain I am mocking him. "I told you, I'm a Castle inmate." I slip the phone back into a pocket.

The gnome reluctantly stamps my visa, and I promptly head for the commercial district. I hope jeweler hasn't changed his password since I last came this way.

Once again I'm running through the commercial district screaming about the army of spider people that live in my hair.

This is where it all started. Only this time I'm dressed. And dressed well.

I sense I'm being watched. But there are a lot of squat bearded men about. But something else... Something bigger.

I flee to the Rune Garden where I spend and hour arguing about Patriotism verses Nationalism with a plant. It is stubborn, and frankly nihilistic. A swarm of giant pink pterodactyls abruptly end the debate.

I hide in the Flying Boat. The dandelion makes for a better conversationalist and we both agree this is the safest place for now.

I have an overwhelming desire for more ice cream. I know there's some in the Book Lover's Shop, but it's strawberry. Yuck!

Besides, I look up at the commotion overhead, the lobsters are everywhere... and they've learnt to fly...

I reach for the straw bottle when a whirring sound catches my attention. I look to the mast. A tiny glass lens is embedded in the wood. As I peer closer it rotates, I jump back and it rotates again. The dandelion thinks it's some sort of camera lens. I have to agree.

The paranoia becomes overwhelming. I grab the trident and leap out of the boat, swatting random lobsters as I flee to the Griffin Stall.

Two startled ferrets are among the mess. The Griffin doesn't seem to mind.

"Finally!" I grab a ferret. It looks me square in the eye, then gives me a kiss.

"Ohhh!" I feel a great warmth spread over me. I am a changed woman. "As God is my witness, I will never throw a defenceless critter again!"

We all play cards and await the apocalypse.

"Ow... Ow... Owie owie owie ow!"

I slowly awake from my drug induced slumber. My head feels like an unsupervised council work crew is doing construction. There is twenty minutes of rampant noise at 7 A.M, followed by two hours of inane chatter and swearing that is designated as "Morning Tea". Then at 11 A.M they continue, until 12:30 P.M when they stop for a two hour lunch break before finishing work at 3 P.M.

"I have to get out of this neighbourhood!" I scream, which hurts.

I've lost the ferret who taught me how to love.

But I vow to keep my New Year's Resolution. I will throw no more tiny critters.

I notice a back passage in the Griffin Stall. I crawl through it and find myself back in the tunnels.

"Well this is handy!" I'm pleased. I grab a stray snow globe at my feet.

"PTG? PogoRandy? Bing?"

"Bing here, I got you"

"Hey! How's Fletcher?"

"Still in denial, but wonderfully happy about it all".

"That's probably for the best. Can you get me back to the Ancient Park?'

"Yup, left, right, left, straight, straight, two rights, left, straight, straight, left, straight and right."

"No problem!" I shake the globe and walk into a wall.

In the workshop I give the password to the jeweler's assistant. In the back room is a door labeled "in case of elevators do not use fire." (You didn't think I would really say the password out loud where anyone could hear it - did you?) I've reached the compromised Cloud City tunnel.

My phone buzzes with a text message. Cash the ferret wants to know the turn rotation if three people are playing double solitaire. I shove the phone away.

I traverse the tunnel, looking for any tears in the local universum, or signs of actual physical construction of lairs (secret, evil or otherwise). Nothing, just a tunnel with nice stonework, lit by the occasional light bulb. Except by now I should have reached the intersection for the passage to the Dream Palace, and it isn't here.

I pull out the phone to access its location finder. Wait, what was Cash doing in the Griffin Stall? For that matter, where am I? The coordinates don't match up to any MC location I recognize - totally off the grid. Immediately I backtrack to the jeweler's workshop, and that entrance is missing as well. Just smooth stonework, as far as I can see. Which isn't very far as the tunnel now ends abruptly.

I'm lost in an uncharted tunnel, and I may not even be in the MC world anymore.

Well there is no way that I can catch up with Jenny Wren, when she is on a mission.
And the fact that she also seems to be screaming (literally) mad doesn’t help either.

Having a partner is a difficult thing but when I contemplate the meaning of the word “partner” she falls into none of the categories that I am aware of :
Raving lunatics, bedaubed in flotsam and jetsam from the HOS scrap heap and wailing in tongues that my delicate ears have never come across before, are NOT partners.

I sit on a nearby seat that has just floated into view (goodness me my telekinetic powers sometimes leave moi astonished) and analyze my options;

1: chase after my deranged “partner”

2: try to find out who the mysterious tunnel and ferret loving individual is

3: sit here and wait for one of those underground train thingies (aka a "Tube")

4: resume OUR original quest and sit at the feet of our dearly beloved Randy and hear what he was to tell us before our nemesis in the Castle

Option 4 is the most sensible at the moment except for the fact that when we left him his language and dialect would have made a Canadian woodsman scratch his head in ignorance.

to be continued>>>>>>>>>>>>.

But it seems to be the best one so I turn my back on the female hullabaloo coming from down the tunnel and I resurface at the rear of the confessional where a very large owl eyes me suspiciously before darting down to catch a passing rat.

I too feel a bit peckish (PUN!!!) and wolf down the piece of cake which seems to be missing its topping.

I slither (PUN!!!) past the cobra (well actually the head of a cobra) and exit into the Chapel.

I summon a passing weasely like rodent and inquire the way back to my haven of a hospital ward

Its reply is succinct: “the funny farm is that-a-way” and shakes a grimy paw at a nearby wall

I am certainly not going down into any more tunnels, thank you very much. I am not a troglodyte (it is years since I thought of that word – what a fantastic memory I have!)

So I tread very carefully down the steps into the town centre and catch a taxi back to the Castle having negotiated a fare of two diamonds from my dwindling pile.

(I am afraid that inflation has reached these far shores as well). Even the DQ are the most expensive ones to do.

I creep back into my familiar surroundings and poke my head around the door that I know so well and am hit over the head by a very large flying cauldron

It is now twilight zone for me and my last thought before I reach the end of it is that the Nurses were never previously this rough and inconsiderate

Still in this tunnel. I've been end to end several times now and can find no physical exits and no anomalies in the local universum. I sit and consider things.

I have my phone, which holds my entire MC inventory, although without access to the laboratory it is of limited use. I've tried calling and texting the ferrets, but they aren't answering. I hope they didn't get eaten by the Griffin, if they were silly enough to try to play cards with it. The laptop got confiscated before I ever made it to customs.

It has to be a tear in the universum.

I really miss all my field equipment. I should add a tab to my MC inventory so I carry it on me at all times. I doze a little, daydreaming about flat databases and relational databases. If it's all properly relational, adding tables to hold my field equipment is all backend work. To pass the time, I map out things on the wall of the tunnel, using a charcoal chest from my inventory.

I know Griffins are intelligent, but they've never struck me as card players. So who were the ferrets playing cards with? And what will they - the ferrets, I mean - do when I don't come back in time for dinner?

I lay on the floor with my head about ready to split open and spining like I was the Excorsit
Oh I am going to but I hear a whooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and feel a weight on my foot, Do I dare look? Do I dare sit up?? WHIRLLLLL goes my head nope not a good idea just yet,, I hear a moan and ow ow ow owwie ow ow, that sounds like Jen the crazy wabler the twin of the other Lonnie Toon PTG , can not be sure not till I look , oh this is going hurt, I slowly lift my banging head and choke back the bile Yep it is Jenifer and I can not help it I break out laughing , there she is laying over my legs holding on for dear life to fast melting ice cream cone and OMG to funny she has a lump on her head the size of mine kinda gives a new meaning to *Twin Peaks* I look over just a bit hurts to move to much and see the reason for her bump , an other Calderon what are they mass producing them things in the Underground Grotto?? Oh this is good a memory I remember that place and that nasty Crock, I call to Jen ,, wake up and get off my legs you idjit,, idjit??? WTH is an idjit<< oh no I am slipping back NOOOOOOOOOO I jerk up just as Jen slaps the ice cream on my bump and says here this will help,, as I sit there with Jen the wren at my feet holding her bump and ice cream leaking through her fingers down my face she says it's okay PogoRandy it's got sprinkels thank you but I think we better share this that bump looks nasty as well, BRAIN FREEZEEEEEEEEEEE

I surface into consciousness with a splitting headache and no pills to cure it.

Slapping on my designer shades to counter the sunny glare seeping into the room I look round.

I am alone in a bare room; not even a bed and certainly no wardrobe to enhance my couture.

Then I hear two voices from the room next door; one of them is certainly Cap’n Bob as he has very distinctive diction.

Then as I listen while trying to get some semblance of normality back in my life, there are sounds as if there is some slurping going on

So I slide to the door and keeping a low profile from any further missiles, and creep up to it which is slightly ajar.

I peep inside

Shock! Horror! I just cannot believe what I am seeing!

My rat-fink partner Jenny Wren is sitting astride our dear leader smothering him in ice cream!

And he is making sounds that seem to me as if he is enjoying it.

I will admit that their skulls appear to be a bit lop-sided at the moment, but has she no shame?

It then dawns on my slowed up brain (it is not every day that I am pole axed by a large metal cauldron) that the ice cream has sprinkles on it.

The SAME ice cream that sent my partner in to La-La land (we try to keep it topical!) and before I can say a word they are both trying to fly but without any success whatsoever.

My partner seems to be flapping her arms while counting pink lobsters (her favorite food?), while Randy is juggling kegs of ale in the air of his mind

So much for acting on Option 4 of my deliberations.

I sit down again as another bench floats into view (this telekinesis lark is very useful!).

I need an option 5!

Still sitting in this tunnel, la la la.

I try the ferrets again but no answer. I'm sure I'm not the only one in the MC world who has smuggled in a phone, but I don't have any other contacts. And that's the problem with lurking about for two years. No one even knows I exist, so no one even knows I'm missing.

Randy, unhinged as he is, only saw me fleetingly through the torn aperture. Jenifer went chasing after a ferret but not necessarily the ferret's owner. And I don't think either Jenifer or PTG heard my warning about the ice cream. So, no: no one knows I'm missing.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I rummage around my inventory. Let's see if the Wise Saying has anything useful:

"You will have good luck and overcome many hardships."

Oh good grief.

PogoRandy and I sit together in the ancient park with ice cream dripping down our lumpy heads.

"Where's PTG?" I look around. "Didn't he come back?"

Captain PogoRandy seems to be in some sort of trance. "Sir, yessir... don't upset the baby..." He seems to be suffering from multiple personality disorder. That's all we need! We'll never get the story. However his military persona is far more comprehensible.

I crawl to the nearest snow globe, pick it up and shake it. "PTG? Bing?" It clears and I see the castle grounds. The denizens are stroppy. "I'm boooorred! When's the next update?" I grab another. "PTG! BING!"

There is only darkness, but I hear a soft feminine voice. "Hello?"

"Hello, who is that?"

"My name is Grim- uh, not important"

"NOT IMPORTANT?! Do you have any idea how many things rhyme with Grim?" I grab the closest lyre (I have a large collection in my sanctuary)

Oh dear Grim,
Things look very dim
Singing is my whim,
I also like to swim

"Oh craponacracker idjit woman! Why der icie cream down moi's deli-cut face?"

I turn to him "ATTENTION!"

"Sir, yessir!" He reverts back to his trance. I return my attention to the globe. "Grim? Where are you?"

A sigh. "I honestly don't know. Nothing is where it's supposed to be. It's all unravelling!"

"Welcome to insanity, you'll find it a smooth transition."

"No, I'm trapped in the tunnels, I can't find a way out."

Oh, no problem, it's left, right, left, straight, straight, two rights, left, straight, straight, left, straight and right."

"Uh, could you repeat that?"

"Watch out for the first left - there's a wall there!"

I shake the globe and hang up. "Captain Randy!"

"Sir yessir!"

"Where is PTG?" I shake him earnestly. I can't get a coherent response from him... which is the norm, but this is different. As I watch the strawberry ice cream drip down his nose a horrific thought occurs. I shake PogoRandy again.

"DID HE EAT THE ROCKY ROAD WITH SPRINKLES?!!!!!"

A noise behind me makes me turn. A woman emerges from the chapel. She appears to be dressed in maintenance coveralls. I look to my feather, ribbon and bell collection.

"I could fix that outfit in a jiffy."

"I'm good, thanks - hey, great directions!"

"Grim?"

She shrugs, "Sure, that's okay." My mind races with song lyrics, then I snap back to attention.

"I need your help!"

I await her reply.

While I am sitting there a passing pigeon coos and gives me a little scroll.

“Coooooo- it’s for yoooooooo!”

Absentmindedly I feed it a piece of my stashed cake and watch it fly off rather erratically. It must be those blessed sprinkles again that the medics doctored the cake with.

I unroll the message and erupt with rage!

It contains a short note from the head honcho of the Castle to say that my work has become shoddy and unless I improve they will confiscate my broom.

Moi! who has held the Castle Cleaning Competition cup for the last n years.

This is the thanks that I get for trying to reign in that deranged sea-salt of a Cap’n Bob and keep a female warbling menace quiet so that she doesn’t upset the neighbours in Cloud City.

And where am I?

I thought I was in a hospital ward since I had just found the other two after being bonked by a large cauldron.

But I am here and not there (if you see what I mean)

This bench is comfortable and so perhaps if I give it clear instructions it will transport me to where those two are wasting time together

A passing genie whispers in my ear that I am not in his game so there are no magic carpets in the Castle, only handkerchiefs.

Well I have seen a flying handkerchief fluttering nearby so that will have to do and place one under each corner of the bench.

I point vaguely in the direction of the wall where I think my two companions may be and utter the immortal words: “Sésame, ouvre-toi”

“Hello!” I say to two very surprised looking compatriots who were discussing the weather (or some such trivia) with a feminine urchin who looked very Village People in her yellow coveralls.

“How nice to see you two again. Do you have any tea left? I will, however, pass on the ice=cream”

I slap the offending opiate out of PTG's hands.

"NO MORE ICE CREAM FOR YOU!"

'Where AM i?"

"The Ancient Park - right next to my critter rehabilitation program."

We all watch a spidebug scuttle past.

"It's a work in progress..."

Our new arrival is yet to introduce herself - though I have already decided her name is GRIM. So many rhymes. I already adore her!

PTG is spluttering Arabic Disney phrases. I slap him "George Lucas is already hunting for us!"

But then I stop. And listen. And scratch a sensitive place. Then I listen again. Then I download a Beta Test game. Then I have a sandwich. Then I contribute my feedback for the Beta test, as I know it is important to the developers! Then I come back to the present.

"Wait PTG?! You're here?!"

PTG sweeps and hums and screams.

PTG is here.

"Great!!" I cry, pulling my hair back into a serious 'ponytail' mode. Seriously, I always do that when I'm typing - HOW DOES HE KNOW?!!

We all look to Grim with eyes that plea for help.

I also make a public announcement that I have never, at any time, thrown a cauldron at anyone.

I just want to make that clear.

* Cash and I are walking, looking for something, probably a sock. It's not always the same, says Cash. What? I ask. I look to the left. There is a sock on the ground. Found it, I say. I pick up the sock. Maybe, says Cash, but only if Wickerbat stole it this morning. Huh? Well, if he stole it last night, it's going to be in the kitchen. I look right to the kitchen, and there is the sock, waiting on the counter. And if he stole it while we were sleeping, he probably still has it. Wickerbat is standing in front of us. No, I don't, he says, hiding something behind his back. It’s definitely the same sock but now there are three of them.

* I don't understand, I say, is the local universum torn here, too? It's not the universum, says Cash, but you're running out of time. Better take this call, Wickerbat adds, rolling a snow globe from under a leather covered sofa. I know that sofa. I had to throw it away long before Cash and Wickerbat came to live with me.

* I pick up the snow globe. It's a top-of-the-line 2017 model, the kind Jenifer and the others have recently been using for communication. Feeling silly, I shake the globe and say, "Um, hello?" Plastic snowflakes drift around the dapper rooster inside.

* "Hello, who is that?" says the rooster.

* "My name is Grim- uh, not important."

* "NOT IMPORTANT?! Do you have any idea how many ….." The snow globe does a little blizzard, then the rooster crackles on. "Grim? Where are you?"

* My hands are shaking, which interferes with the reception. "I don’t know! It's all unraveling! I'm trapped in the tunnels, I can't find a way out."

* "Oh, no problem, it's left, right, left, straight, straight, two rights, left, straight, straight, left, straight and right." The rooster tips its hat. "We're waiting in the Ancient Park."The snow settles and won't swirl again no matter how hard I shake the globe.

* My turn, says Wickerbat, and he rolls the globe under the couch again. Give it back, I say. I lie down on the floor and reach for the globe. Wickerbat nips my hand.

I am lying on the floor. It's hard and cold and I am still in the tunnel. But I have dreamed a solution! Snow globes! I can call someone! I scramble through my pockets, through my MC inventory, through the apps on my phone. I search the tunnel, even examining the light bulbs in case one is a snow globe in disguise. There are no globes to be found.

Frustration! I'm almost there, I know it, nothing to do with snow globes…. And I have it.

I stand.

It is time.